


All I’ve Ever Known

by TevinterPariah



Series: Seblos One-Shots [8]
Category: High School Musical: The Musical: The Series (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Character Study, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Canon, Seblos, Song: All I’ve Ever Known
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:01:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22336702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TevinterPariah/pseuds/TevinterPariah
Summary: When Seb had asked him to be his boyfriend, Carlos wasn’t sure what to do. He, of course, wanted to date Seb with every fiber of his being, but he wasn’t sure if he would ever be enough, enough for someone as talented, gentle, and kind as Seb. Seb deserved someone confident, someone who would be able to protect him from harm, someone who wasn’t him.— — —My on-brand angsty and cathartic Carlos introspection inspired by ”All I’ve Ever Known” from Hadestown (New York Public Version)
Relationships: Seb Matthew-Smith/Carlos Rodriguez
Series: Seblos One-Shots [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576519
Comments: 11
Kudos: 49





	All I’ve Ever Known

**Author's Note:**

> I've been angsty af lately so here is some Carlos angst I know you don't want but I will be providing
> 
> Song Inspiration is the New York Public Version of ’All I’ve Ever Known’ but I love the Broadway version and definitely have another fic in mind for it because it fits Seb and Carlos really well imo: 
> 
> https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=VIUFVR0WCB4

When Seb had asked him to be his boyfriend, Carlos wasn’t sure what to do. He, of course, wanted to date Seb with every fiber of his being, but he wasn’t sure if he would ever be enough, enough for someone as talented, gentle, and kind as Seb. Seb deserved someone confident, someone who would be able to protect him from harm, someone who wasn’t him. 

Carlos honestly didn’t know how to be a friend to people, let alone a boyfriend. All he’s ever known throughout his years of schooling is to hold his own because there was no point in relying on anyone else. He learned easily enough back in middle school that when you make friends you can get hurt, and they’ll flee from you the second they learn about your sexuality. That was if you were allowed to make friends in the first place and weren’t ostracized for being more interested in Bob Fosse than Tom Brady as a kid. 

He had a couple of friends growing up, but he never had the best of luck with them. The true friends he had, the ones who he had thought would stay forever, had left him as well. He knew that kids couldn’t control if their parents got jobs across the country or if their parents transferred them to the prestigious private school the next town over, but it still hurt like hell. Every single time he thought he had found people who understood him, they were gone like the wind.

He learned to live with the loneliness, it was the only way for him to survive, and so he did. Slowly but surely, he became the master of hiding in the stacks of the library browsing with his headphones in, trying to make it seem like he was busy. He learned where the least crowded hallways were so he wouldn’t have to face any of the people who put him down and could walk without his eyes to the floor. His choir teacher became his best friend as he would spend his lunches in the choir room helping stuff choir folders and telling her about the micro-interactions he had with the cute blonde boy that sits next to him in history. If only his teacher could see him now when that same blonde boy wanted to be his boyfriend of all things.

But, whereas things were so scary then, he wonders if things will be better now that he was a sophomore. Freshman year was another recipe for disaster as always. Sure, he was cast in  _ Brigadoon  _ as Harry Beacon and was friends with some of the senior dancers, but the second the show was over and rehearsals they pretended he didn’t exist. Besides, nobody wanted to publicly be friends with the openly gay kid at their Utahn high school. Outside of the rehearsals in the bomb shelter and when he was onstage he was completely and utterly alone. 

He would sometimes eye his crush sitting with Natalie and Ashlyn at lunch in the cafeteria, but every time he thought he had mustered up the courage to talk to them, they were eating somewhere else. He was resolved to the fact after nine years of schooling with no consistent friends that he was not meant to have people in his life who cared for someone as broken and undesirable as himself. 

Then, this year changed everything with Miss Jenn giving him the chance to choreograph the school musical. For once, he was in his element and was in a place where he could express himself without getting laughed at or where he would hear slurs thrown around. Going into the show, he believed that even if people didn’t like him, they at least would respect him and that would be enough. But in the end, he found out that the cast and crew not only respected him but also liked him and wanted to include him in their circles. 

For the first time in years, he sat in the cafeteria with the theatre kids and wasn't laughed at or treated like an outsider or the group’s token queer. He was helping organize holiday parties with his friends now and actually being authentic with them. He finally got to play High School Musical: The Choosical with people who love this piece of media as much as he does, and appreciated every paper mache poster and prop he delicately made for it. Having friends, real friends, made him realize just how lonely he had been because you can’t feel the void when you don’t know the feeling of it not being there.

And then there was Seb, then there was Seb. He had been crushing on the blonde since middle school, and that attraction only intensified when they got to be in last year’s musical together. What he didn't expect was the attraction spiraling out of control this year with the production of  _ High School Musical: The Musical  _ for the boy who played Sharpay, and even more so, that the Seb would reciprocate his affections. He knew he wasn't worthy of this, he never would be, but he cannot help but want to be with Seb.

He wanted to take Seb up into his arms as they did in the bomb shelter when practicing choreography or throughout that blissful last hour of Homecoming. But, he doesn't just want to dance with Seb, he wants to be able to hold Seb in his arms, shower him with affectionate touches and kisses, and be the one that brings a smile to his face each and every day. He wants to know what it is like to feel loved by someone and love them back with reckless abandon. He needs to know.

In their awkward flirting and precious seconds of romance, Carlos’s world was turned upside down. Seb gave him a reason to smile when he woke up each morning and gave him the pep in his step that everyone was commenting on. They still were in limbo, where they acted like boyfriends but still weren’t dating, but Carlos relished in the rush of warmth that their innocent interactions gave him now, and cannot help but imagine the rush of what kissing Seb would be like. While his friends did fill the gaping hole in his chest, Seb did more than that. Seb’s caring touches, soft smiles, and warm embraces lit up his world in ways he never thought possible. 

He is hesitant to admit it, but he's in love and that was a dangerous thing. If you fall in love, you’ll get hurt; it was as simple as that. But for some reason, he doesn’t feel that fear with Seb because he knows that Seb isn’t manipulative or ruthless like so many of the queer couples he’s seen in media. Seb was the type of person where if you were his friend, he would never let you go, and more than anything that was what Carlos wanted. 

He throws caution to the wind and he says yes to Seb and becomes his boyfriend, and in the second that their lips meet he knows that this is something he will not let the wind change on. He wants to hold onto the boy he’s been in infatuated with for years forever and for things to always be like this.

**Author's Note:**

> We love coping with our childhood friend trauma and own struggles in love through projecting on characters. I hope this wasn't total trash.


End file.
